Star Wars the Phantom Menace - I sense much fear in you

This review is on Star Wars the Phantom Menace. Oh God I'm gonna have a hay day with this. But I will try and keep it short...ish. Starring a young shittier Hayden Christensen (Jake Lloyd), a young Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, and Liam Neeson must have traveled back in time to do this movie because he looks the same. The director is the one and only George Lucas one of the Godfathers of Sci Fi. He also did...well he did...there was Star Wars...and...Indian Jones! I also think he did Willow. But I'm not sure. I will start this thing off by saying I love Star Wars. The universe is amazing and my hats off to Lucas for creating something that will go on long after he is dead. First thing first, The Phantom Menace? That title sucks! When I first saw the movie I didn't fully grasp it. What did it mean? The Sith? How about Return of the Sith? Take it and end the series with Return of the Jedi? I know my title isn't the best or more clever but come on! You are paid millions of dollars for your brilliant creative mind. I don't need to go into detail about how it starts, odds are you have seen this movie. And if not? Well I shall turn you to the Dark Side soon enough. CG was created in 1999, enough said. My biggest complaint about the CG is that the end battle was placed on a green hilly landscape with absolutely no detail to it. This was very annoying and drew my attention from the battle. And this was difficult because no one enjoys the slaughter of Gungans more than I. Speaking of Gungans we all know about Jar Jar Binks. No he wasn't edited out...despite the countless signatures I have given to protesters. This character is insufferable and with much delight I will not have to endure but a line or two in the next movie. The other character I could not stand was Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd).

This kid sucked the life out of me with every line he spoke, leaving me begging for a bullet to my head. I was literally embarrassed to hear this kids lines. How forced they were, it was disgusting. This kid grows up to be Darth Vader? The most powerful Jedi and Sith? This kid did not do justice the respect Darth Vader commanded from everyone else. Jake Lloyd, from the bottom of my heart Fuck You. Now onto the plot. There is a blockade around Naboo and your people are starving? It's a planet with self sustaining life on it. Hunt these creatures, eat them. Take those lasers blast the shit out of the wildlife and feed your people. You are not starving. Try living on Tatooine and run a moisture farm then give me something to really bitch about. How about Hoth? That planet is all ice. The people of Naboo, you are fine. The only thing you have to worry about is a droid army and a small retarded child was able to stop that so again...you are fine. Now the redeeming factors in this movie. Well, the only two things I can think of are Darth Maul played by Ray Park. And the simple fact that it's Star Wars. Hell Darth Maul is on the new posters promoting the re release of this movie. Now the main drive of the film is the 3D. This is the main selling point. Well Lucasfilm, Industrial Light and Magic, did you do your jobs and make this worth it? No, the 3D was garbage. It looked the same with and without my glasses. Spectacular 3D my ASS! My friends, the only reason why I would urge you to go to this film is to celebrate the fact that it is Star Wars. That is the only reason why I went. I love Star Wars and I am willing to support something I love. So if you are a fan like I am go and just have fun, ignore all the bad that outweigh the good. I give Star Wars The Phantom Menace a 1 1/2 out of 4. The half is for the fact that I love Star Wars. I will be at the other five movies. Hopefully in costume and at midnight showings, hopefully all of my friends and loved ones will be there with me nerding it up.