Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters - Who the fuck is Edward?

Hansel & Gretel, it's yet again another reboot of an old fairy tale. Why are the rebooting these stories? I have no idea...probably because they are running out of ideas in Hollywood, having a collective creative I.Q. of a witless boob. I'm very happy I went into this movie expecting absolutely nothing from it; thus allowing me to hate it a little less. Hansel & Gretel starred Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton and Famke Janssen. The director was Tommy Wirkola, who did a movie called Dead Snow; I have no idea what that is. The inexperience of the director really showed. This movie felt very rushed, but not only that but everyone seemed very uptight. As if the entire cast, each had branch shoved up their ass to make them and their acting seem stiff. There was a very awkward tension on the screen, very little chemistry. This film had a very standard and predictable story, with a very predictable twist. What did surprise me was the language, I was actually quite shocked. And the brief nudity, that surprised the hell out of me. After that I kind of thought hey, we got a movie. But all of the brief butt shots and side nipple couldn't save this film from the mediocrity it suffered from. Besides, the wrong chick got naked. The acting itself was stiff, I wasn't very impressed. But with Jeremy Renner doing big films like Avengers and taking over with the Bourne saga; I guess I wouldn't really try either. I'll tell you what I did like. I liked the weapons they used, as cheesy as they looked. I liked the old feel of them, but corrupted with a technology not really fathomed for that time period. But the Gatling gun seemed a little stupid to me. I would appreciate all of these reboots if they did something imaginative with it. Having all of them working toward something grander, like they did with the Avengers. But they won't. There is a severe lack of vision with this film. It had the potential to be good, but it kept tripping over itself. Hell, this movie was quick to end itself too. The ending narration started before the last battle even fully ended. Oh well, I won't dwell on it anymore. This was a very average movie and it shall get a very average score. I give Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters a 2 out of 4. The only good witch is a dead witch.

Silver Linings Playbook - If she comes back...

It's about damn time this movie came to theaters in my town! Only when it has gotten so much notoriety that the owners decide to show it. Oh no, can't take any risks here. Fuck off. Have you seen how many awards this movie has been nominated for and received? 8 Oscar nominations should be enough to say something, but the list goes on and on...literally. So let's get this out of the way. If you read and follow this little movie review blog, then you know about my little infatuation with Jennifer Lawrence. Well let me assure you that my crush will have nothing to do with my judgement on this film. Granted that I was practically drooling during every scene she was in... Any who... Silver Linings Playbook Starred an amazing cast that consisted of Bradley Cooper, my future wife, Robert De Niro and a slew of other actors. The director was David O. Russell whom also directed The Fighter, Three Kings and...I Heart Huckabees... Besides The Fighter, David, you have come a long way...my God. Let me get straight into it; this story was about two people with very serious relationship problems. Causing them both to be seriously screwed up in the head. Now, is it difficult to play a crazy person? No. But to do it so well that it was actually believable; there's a challenge. I could not believe the skill in the acting from everyone. I was blown away, seriously, there was not a single moment where the consistency in the level of acting being delivered ever slipped. It seemed real, the emotions felt real. Granted I can relate, it felt real. Bradley Cooper's character pissed me off so much about how obsessed he was with getting his "wife" back, I was actually frustrated. I wanted to jump into the movie and kick his skull in. Jennifer Lawrence stole the show for me...of course. She was incredibly charming, even during her more rough around the edges or scandalous scenes. She swept me off my feet. The movie involved me, it made me care. Even De Niro did a superb job playing a concerned father with a gambling addiction. I can certainly see why this film was nominated for so many awards. But with seeing this comes a problem. The acting bar for Cooper and Lawrence has been risen substantially for me. I won't expect anything less from either of them. I give Silver Linings Playbook a 4 out of 4. It would be a 5 out of 4 but I was told I shouldn't do that anymore. Ya' see babe? I told you you could do better than HATES. You still have my number right?   

This Is 40 - You don't tell her you took viagra

This is 40, is one of those films you see when you feel you have too much money in your pocket, and nothing better to do. The trailer, and the title itself told me this film was going to contain lots of unfunny nagging. If wanted two hours of that I would purposely pick a fight with my girlfriend that I couldn't win. This Is 40 starred Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann. The director was Judd Apatow, who also did The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. This guy has a thing for 40 year old people. What it sounds like to me is that Judd is having troubles dealing with his own mid-life crisis. Got your own personal problems there, buddy? You feel you need to show the world? Have a few funny scenes in the trailers, which intrigues my lady, thus dragging me to this senseless drivel. The acting was stale at best. I wouldn't expect much from some B-rated comedians either. There were two good things that came from this movie...from a male's perspective. Megan Fox, and seeing Leslie Mann's boobs. They actually aren't bad. Yup, some good boob was all I could take from this film. It wasn't funny, nor did it entertain me. I give This Is 40 a 1 out of 4. Pass on it. Or maybe watch it, via intronet. 

Django Unchained - The D is silent

I honestly had no idea what I was in for when we went to see this movie, other than what I had learned from the trailers. Django Unchained Starred Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz and Leonardo DiCaprio. The Director was Quentin Tarantino...this man needs no introductions. He did Pulp Fiction, if you haven't seen it then get off your ass and go see it. So, was I surprised at what I saw in this film? No, its Quentin Taranfuckingtino. The gore is going to be exaggerated, bodies will explode, and there will be an unnecessary amount of blood. But I loved it! The exaggerated violence and gore was done right. Granted that there were some parts that made me cringe. But hey, I've never seen a man ripped apart by dogs before either... The music, minus the modernized rap that played, I loved the music. It was entertaining, and fit very well the the grit of this film. What I loved most was the way this film was shot. It was grainy, it was gritty and dirty. That is Tarantino's style, but the way he does it in this film was spectacular. Lets move to the acting, oh the acting. Jamie Foxx did all right, he played the strong silent type for the most part. But I was truly impressed with Christoph Waltz. From his first line, I simply adored his character. He was funny, well spoken and very charismatic. I loved that there was always a method to his madness. Leonardo DiCaprio, sir, you have quite the resume. But I have never seen you play a antagonist. But in this case, are you a bad guy. If you take a step back and actually look at it. You are just a businessman, trying to get a slice of the pie. Either way, you did a magnificent job. Others didn't agree, but fuck 'em. The character you played was very entertaining, and in some cases may have stole the show. And of course Sam Jackson makes an appearance. He did something right, because I hated his character. He did a great job at making me hate him. This was one of the better films of 2012, and I urge all to see it. I give Django Unchained a 4 out of 4. To start this review, I was going to make a reference to the film about this being a German  story and how there is always a mountain to climb. The truth is, I'm sick of looking at the past and seeing all of the metaphorical mountains I have had to climb to get what I wanted. And then seeing the mountains ahead of me. Fuck it, we all have our mountains. It just depends on how you climb your mountains that defines you.

A Haunted House - two dogs, one duck

This movie looked dumb... But, being the good boyfriend that I am. I took my lady to see what she wanted. Oh Christ here we go... A Haunted House starred Marlon Wayans, Essence Atkins, and a slew of comedians that I don't really care to mention. The director was Michael Tiddes, he did a few T.V. shows, but no movies that I could find. Yes this was a parody film, but I will treat it the same as every other film. This is a film that parodies Paranormal Activity, obviously. So granted that it is a comedy, there were stupid little jump scenes, as silly as they may have been. I won't lie, a part of me did enjoy this film. Not all of it mind you, but some of it. There was about twenty minutes of good solid comedy. But it wasn't enough to keep me happy. But the good scenes are still singed into my mind...if that's a good thing. Sex jokes are hilarious, they're great; but they flood this movie so much that after a while I became numb to them, and eventually became bored succumbing to their tedium. There isn't much to say about acting in movies like this. Marlon Wayans plays the same character in every movie he does any ways. So it wasn't bad for someone that has very little diversity. I don't want to spend too much time on this film. I have seen good parody movies...in my opinion. But this movie lacked consistency with the level of comedy it was putting out, if any. I give A Haunted House a 1 1/2 out of 4. What was funny, was golden.

Gangster Squad - You are a demon in the sack

It's true...that is an actual line in the movie. Whether that's an accurate phrase used in 1949 is a whole other topic. But yes. As much as I haven't seen movies like this, I really enjoy them. I feel I should spend more time giving them some attention. Because I love the feel of the timeline, the era was pure, and easily corruptible. The detectives and cops seemed more like vigilantes then actual men of the law. At the same time these were also men who just returned from the war. Some of them heroes, others just battle-hardened. Either way, there was no fear to be had by these men. Lets not forget the mob bosses. I loved their sense of class in their ruthless actions. At least as it was depicted in the film. I can't say I know many mob bosses from the 40's and 50's. Gangster Squad starred Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone. The director is Ruben Fleischer. He also did 30 Minutes or Less, Zombieland and is currently working on Zombieland 2 I just found out. (Nerd chills) That is awesome news. Knowing this, I did see the director try and implement some sort of form of comedy. In some ways it panned out, most ways it didn't. Don't get me wrong, what was there was funny. But more actual 'Ha' moments than rolling over and laughing moments. Given thought to what I just typed, and the premise of the movie, I suppose a low level of comedy is required. Don't listen to me, I have no idea what I'm talking about. It has been four weeks since I have reviewed something. Mostly due to my lazy ass either playing video games, or working on my novel. I digress. I really liked this movie. I didn't love it, but we could still be friends. The action was decent. There was a good amount of gun-play, and some gore. Now how do I judge the acting? Ryan Gosling only does movies during award season. Sean Penn and Josh Brolin are both powerhouses when it comes to acting. My personal opinion? Given the caliber of the actors, it could have been better. Gosling didn't impress me, I don't care how hot and chiseled  his abs are. Josh Brolin did a little better. Yes, sir, you have a strong chin, it doesn't make you a tough guy. Fun fact, Josh Brolin's first movie was The Goonies. He played Brand; didn't know that. Sean Penn was the best of them, naturally. He dazzled me the most, but I still felt it could have been a bit better. Again, I'm very picky. This film did suffer from something. And as I asked others, I realized it is only something I believe someone who has seen to many movies could pick up. This film suffered from tells, or signals indicating whats going to happen in the next scene. And it's not just this film. Movies like this have very similar formulas that are easy to pick up on, and there for make the film predictable. I was able to tell the precise moment when the movie was going to take a nose dive in the plot. And bad stuff happens. It's not a flaw in the film, but for me, all surprise kind of hopped out the window. I still liked this movie, and would recommend it to anyone who ask about it. I give Gangster Squad a 3 out of 4. Good men who do nothing is evil enough.