Ted - Because thunder is just God farts

I think at one point in our childhoods most of us thought it would be neat if our toys came to life. Again most of us meaning the ones with imaginations...or just lonely. Eh either way. Well Ted is the answer to every child seeking a best friend in an inanimate object. Ted starred Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, and Seth MacFarlane. The Director was Seth MacFarlane, this was his first movie, and for those of you that don't own a television or hate cartoons he did Family Guy, American Dad, and Cleveland Show. Ted takes the tale of a boy wishing for his stuffed teddy bear to life and stretching out into his adulthood. Skepticism hit me at first with this idea, and I was worried considering that this was the first live action film MacFarlane has done. With some relief I can say you may set any thoughts of doubt. Ted was a very funny movie...most of the time. Some spots it felt it was trying way to hard to reach our for laughs. The acting was fine, Ted's voice sounded a bit too much like Peter Griffin to me. The majority of the voice actors from Family Guy had roles in the film, which I wasn't very amused with. Ted's story and plot were predictable. Even the ending was upsetting to me, I guess people can't think and need to just be entertained. Oh well. I'm gonna keep this short. I give Family Guy, uh I mean Ted a 3 out of 4. All this movie is is Family Guy with an R rating. Lucky for Ted I enjoy most Family Guy.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Real power doesn't come from hatred, but from truth

Freedom and equal rights for all men comes at a price, and that price is blood. The blood of the damned that is. So I saw this films poster about seven months ago and it made me snicker thinking you have got to be fucking kidding me. As time went on people told me the book was good and that sparked my interest just enough to want to see it so I could just review it. The stars of this film were Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, and Anthony Mackie. The director was Timur Bekmambetov who also did Wanted and Night Watch. If you get a chance check out Night Watch, it's a foreign independent film, totally awesome.  No expectations, no judgement, I went to just be entertained. Let me tell you I was not disappointed on the entertainment factor. Some of the scenes were a bit silly but I was able to forgive that. I enjoyed how this fictitious story was integrated with actual history. The acting from the vampires was lacking but everyone else  didn't do a bad job. The plot was, well history with vampires. This film may not be worth a watch in the theaters but it is a very good rent. I give Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter a 3 out of 4. I gave it a high score sheer out of how surprised I was at how bad it didn't suck.

Brave - mend the bond that pride severed

I bet you think this songs about you, don't you, don't you? Well if you could change your fate would you? Change my fate, change my fate, change my fate. Blah blah blah. I get it your a spoiled, scared little kid. The main character was annoying as you can tell, BUT very lovable as well, but we will get to that. The stars of Brave were Kelly Macdonald, Billy Connolly, and Emma Thompson. The directors are Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman, and Steve Purcell. Brave was one of those films that gave you very little to go off of when the trailers came out. The only thing it went on about was CHANGE YOUR FATE! So I went into this movie knowing very little about the plot. Well I will enlighten you a bit. It's a mother daughter quarrel gone south and the daughter will go to great lengths to get her way. Besides the plot that sort of bugged me I loved absolutely everything about this movie. I smiled at everything, the characters were hilarious, giving themselves purpose and help to move the story along smoothly. But the main character made me cringe every time she bitched about absolutely nothing. But on the other side her charisma was nothing less than charming and was an absolute delight to watch on screen. The animation in this film is among some of the best I have ever seen. It remained like a cartoon, but the shading and the way the light bounced off the objects was amazing. The colors were bright and popped out at you, the water flowed seamlessly. Every strand of hair, every blade of grass was noticeable and well rendered. This movie is for everyone, I loved it and would love to see it again. Brave was well done and will absolutely be added to my collection of movies. I give Brave a 4 out of 4. If you get a chance, see this film, it's worth the money. I didn't see it in 3D, but there is no need.

Rock of Ages - Don't stop believing

What do you want? What do you want? I want rock n' roll. Long live rock n' roll! Rock of Ages, Rock of Ages was a surprise to me. A surprise filled with many curve balls that I did not see coming. Rock of Ages starred Diego Boneta, Jullianne Hough, Alec Baldwin, Russel Brand, and the best for last; Tom Cruise as Stacee FUCKING Jaxx! (Crowd goes wild) Okay just joking. The director was Adam Shankman who also did Hairspray and The Pacifier...not much background, but we will see. The biggest curve ball was Tom Cruise. This man stole the show, I have seen actors relaxed on camera but there was always that tension of still being on camera. Cruise was the relaxed, carefree Rock God that he set out to play, it was like he was doing it for years. His attitude, his tattoos, the attire, it was amazing. And to put icing on this cake the man can sing, he did all of the songs himself, as did all of the other actors but we will get to that. Tom Cruise, you are a crazy bastard, with some strange beliefs. You were never a bad actor in my eyes, and I thought with Tropic Thunder it was just a fluke. But you sir, are a master at your craft, and my hats off to you. Now to the  rest. The songs were great as always, which makes me think why doesn't Hollywood utilize rock or metal in their movies. It always seems to drift to rap or pop or some other garbage that people will eventually shoot themselves to when they have heard it too much. But lets get down to business, Julianne and Diego's story I could care less about. There singing was well done, more Diego than Hough. But their little love story I did not care about. It was all a sideshow act to what I really wanted to see. Baldwin and Brand were funny and a great little add on to the story, their "chemistry" on the screen was smooth and entertaining. After around the middle of the movie when the plot was hitting its point I started to get bored. Hough and Diego took over and I basically started to fall asleep, that and I was up for twenty four hours. But they were boring, I have no other way to really put it. Without Tom Cruise in this movie it would have been awful. Like the plot in this movie Tom Cruise/Stacee Jaxx saved this film. I don't like musicals, I have two exceptions though, Across the Universe and Sweeny Todd. I am happy to say I have a third now. I give Rock of Ages a 2 out of 4. If you go, Tom Cruise will not disappoint.

Prometheus - It's not how bad it hurts, it's how you deal with it

God, that word alone can generate a very deep subject. Conjure hatred and uncertainty among friends even. Well Prometheus is asking this question, THEE question and isn't what they are claiming it to be. They are promoting...over promoting Prometheus to be the prequel to Alien. Well they both succeed and fail at this. This film is trying to be two things at once. In one direction this film does a great job at shoving faith and God down your throat. Trying to ask the questions why we are here? Who are our makers? Where did we come from? Regardless of what happens should I still have faith in God? So on and so on. But in the other direction there is Darwinism basically being jerked off into your eye showing the evolution of how "Alien" came to be. Trying to do my best not to spoil but lets be honest "Big things have small beginnings." And every species has a beginning, and we all saw this coming. Did my best not to pun Darwin but whatever. Prometheus was directed by Ridley Scott, who also did Alien, Blade Runner, the list does go on but you can see it gradually turn to shit. The stars of this film are Noomi Rapace, Micheal Fassbender, and Charlize Theron. Well lets stop right there. The characters have little or no development. Noomi Rapace and Micheal Fassbender were the only characters that had any real purpose or meaning. The rest of the cast may as well not have been there and I honestly wouldn't have noticed. At one point I forgot Charlize Theron was even in the movie. Prometheus was a jumbled mess, trying to be too many things at one time. Constantly regurgitating the meaning of life and the importance of faith in god, and trying to squeeze in the Alien franchise as a byproduct. Using just one of these topics would have given the movie more life and more to focus on. But on the plus side I am a fan of the Alien franchise and it was nice seeing SOME origins, not the origin I would have liked but I have no say in someone else's rushed money making vision. Also the visuals were quite stunning up until the very end. I really don't know how to recommend this movie. Would this offend religious people? Possibly, but if they can't seem to decipher between fantasy and reality and enjoy a story then that's their fucking problem. I'm sorry but people piss me off when everything offends them and their faith. It's a fucking movie, get over it! Sorry... I give Prometheus a 2 out of 4. If you need to see it, then see it, just don't go into it thinking its a prequel to Alien. If you do so then this movie may come out decent for you. I apologize for the rant, I heard people complaining about this movie offending them in a religious way, and it bothered me.

Snow White and the Huntsman - You have eyes but you do not see

Destiny is a funny thing. Some people are born with it, knowing what it is and what is waiting for them. Others have it thrown into their faces, not ready for it but it's there smiling at them. Few stumble upon it on accident, having it change their lives for better or worse. Then there are the rest of us, completely oblivious to it. Destiny could pass us by, it could even stop and wave and we will never know. Snow White was born with her destiny, being fairest of them all. Envious of her beauty, Ravenna, her step mother kept her locked up in a tower after the siege of her fathers castle. Starring in this movie is Kristin Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, and Charlize Theron. The director is Rupert Sanders, and as far as I know I think this is the only movie he has directed. Snow White has been claimed to be one of the summers most anticipated epics. I will admit when I first saw the trailer last summer, I laughed at how ridiculous the idea was. Even more so at Kristin Stewart. I actually believe I saw the trailer at the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn. Over time I warmed up to the idea though. Snow White and the Huntsman is a very dark version of the tale. There is no whistle while you work, no Prince charming. Just a gritty tale of seduction, murder, greed, and war. I like it already. Lets start out with the acting. I got to say I was very surprised at how well everyone did. Hemsworth's accent and his drunkard ways were very convincing. The transformation of his character was rather quick, but none-the-less the character was satisfying. Charlize Theron, what can I say, she put on one hell of a show. I was expecting to rant about her whispering all of her lines, but that was just preview nonsense. She did an excellent job being an obnoxious, stuck up, man hating bitch. Something I did question was the almost incestuous relationship she had with her brother in the film. It was a bit creepy for my taste. Even the seven dwarfs were a joy to watch. Some of the actors were easily recognizable, a few to name were Bob Hoskins, Nick Frost, and Ian McShane. The thorn in this movies side was obviously Kristin Stewart, her acting was awful. Every line felt like she was suffocating, each line was spoken so quickly with uncertainty. She even did the whole brushing her hair out of her face thing she always does in every movie shes in. The only line that she did well was her speech at the end of the movie. To little to late. She fell into her character too late into the movie to seek any kind of redemption. I don't know if anyone can do a better job than her, but her acting needs some serious fine tuning. The next thing I want to dive into is the CG. Holy Crap! It was amazing, and it should have been, considering that five different companies dealing with CG worked on the movie. This movie set the standard when it comes to graphics, I can't put into words how impressed I was with it. I can only hope some day that my work could get such attention. This was a good movie, I recommend every bit of it, minus Stewart. I give Snow White and the Huntsman a 3 1/2 out of 4. Now I wonder if something even more grand is in the mix. It started with Alice in Wonderland. And now I hear rumors of other Princess movies getting serious remakes. Are they running out of ideas? Or is there something greater on the horizon?