Star Wars the Phantom Menace - I sense much fear in you

This review is on Star Wars the Phantom Menace. Oh God I'm gonna have a hay day with this. But I will try and keep it short...ish. Starring a young shittier Hayden Christensen (Jake Lloyd), a young Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, and Liam Neeson must have traveled back in time to do this movie because he looks the same. The director is the one and only George Lucas one of the Godfathers of Sci Fi. He also did...well he did...there was Star Wars...and...Indian Jones! I also think he did Willow. But I'm not sure. I will start this thing off by saying I love Star Wars. The universe is amazing and my hats off to Lucas for creating something that will go on long after he is dead. First thing first, The Phantom Menace? That title sucks! When I first saw the movie I didn't fully grasp it. What did it mean? The Sith? How about Return of the Sith? Take it and end the series with Return of the Jedi? I know my title isn't the best or more clever but come on! You are paid millions of dollars for your brilliant creative mind. I don't need to go into detail about how it starts, odds are you have seen this movie. And if not? Well I shall turn you to the Dark Side soon enough. CG was created in 1999, enough said. My biggest complaint about the CG is that the end battle was placed on a green hilly landscape with absolutely no detail to it. This was very annoying and drew my attention from the battle. And this was difficult because no one enjoys the slaughter of Gungans more than I. Speaking of Gungans we all know about Jar Jar Binks. No he wasn't edited out...despite the countless signatures I have given to protesters. This character is insufferable and with much delight I will not have to endure but a line or two in the next movie. The other character I could not stand was Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd).

This kid sucked the life out of me with every line he spoke, leaving me begging for a bullet to my head. I was literally embarrassed to hear this kids lines. How forced they were, it was disgusting. This kid grows up to be Darth Vader? The most powerful Jedi and Sith? This kid did not do justice the respect Darth Vader commanded from everyone else. Jake Lloyd, from the bottom of my heart Fuck You. Now onto the plot. There is a blockade around Naboo and your people are starving? It's a planet with self sustaining life on it. Hunt these creatures, eat them. Take those lasers blast the shit out of the wildlife and feed your people. You are not starving. Try living on Tatooine and run a moisture farm then give me something to really bitch about. How about Hoth? That planet is all ice. The people of Naboo, you are fine. The only thing you have to worry about is a droid army and a small retarded child was able to stop that so again...you are fine. Now the redeeming factors in this movie. Well, the only two things I can think of are Darth Maul played by Ray Park. And the simple fact that it's Star Wars. Hell Darth Maul is on the new posters promoting the re release of this movie. Now the main drive of the film is the 3D. This is the main selling point. Well Lucasfilm, Industrial Light and Magic, did you do your jobs and make this worth it? No, the 3D was garbage. It looked the same with and without my glasses. Spectacular 3D my ASS! My friends, the only reason why I would urge you to go to this film is to celebrate the fact that it is Star Wars. That is the only reason why I went. I love Star Wars and I am willing to support something I love. So if you are a fan like I am go and just have fun, ignore all the bad that outweigh the good. I give Star Wars The Phantom Menace a 1 1/2 out of 4. The half is for the fact that I love Star Wars. I will be at the other five movies. Hopefully in costume and at midnight showings, hopefully all of my friends and loved ones will be there with me nerding it up.

The Woman in Black - The dark can play tricks on the most tamed mind

This review is on The Woman in Black, starring Daniel Radcliffe. The director of this film was James Watkins who also did Eden Lake. I have no idea what that movie is or who the director is so naturally I am treading into unfamiliar waters. The previews for this movie is what attracted me to this film. Then there was Daniel Radcliffe, he managed to get a role outside of Harry Potter. I wanted to see what he could do when he wasn't shaking a stick at someone and shouting silly incantations. This was the time to show the world that you weren't just Harry Potter. That there was an actor underneath those robes, itching to expand his horizons. Was this that film? No, sadly it wasn't. The Woman in Black starts off with Radcliffe as a lawyer/single parent looking after his son. He is summoned to a town to sell a house and finish some paperwork on the previous owner. He comes to find out the previous owner is deceased and her ghost is tormenting the town. And he must find a way to stop her. Lets talk brass tax here. Daniel, let's face it you are no Scooby Doo. I personally did not understand why he was even there. What paperwork did he need to finish? This was not clearly explained, the whole reason for him being there was unclear. I didn't understand his motives. Don't get me wrong there were plenty of scenes that make you jump. These scenes were aided by extremely loud music which was a dead give away. Of course I had a hard time getting into the movie because all of the stupid high school kids giggling and talking the entire time. Listen do me a favor and do what your parents should have done and smash your faces against a wall. Thank you. I digress. This wasn't the movie to test Radcliffe's skill as an actor...if he even has any. But I am willing to give you another chance, I am not without mercy. Horror isn't your genre. Please stick to something within in your limits. The Woman in Black just seemed like throwing Harry Potter into a haunted house and scaring the shit out of him. I

f there was a plot there were too many holes left unexplained. Who knows maybe I'm just nitpicking because he IS Harry Potter. Plus it was strange seeing him as a Dad. This movie felt forced and unnatural. I give the Woman in Black a 1 out of 4. Nice try Mr. Potter. You got one more chance. Do not fail me again.

Chronicle - Don't let it go to your head

This review is on the movie Chronicle starring Dane DeHaan, Alex Russell, and Micheal B. Jordan. This film was directed by Josh Trank who also did Big Fan, and Dante's World. I haven't heard of those other two movies personally so I didn't really expect much. When I first saw previews for this film I admit I was intrigued but in the back of my mind I knew this was going to be another poorly written, sloppy plotted, horribly acted, cliched Action/Science Fiction film. It seemed like just another blip on my radar that I was going to let pass me by. But the more previews I saw the more I wanted to see it. Then I read the comments people had posted who had already seen the movie a week or two before it was released. All of them were positive which justified my curiosity. The style of filming I believe is called "Found footage" also used in Blair Witch and Cloverfield. This means the actors are the ones in control of the camera. In my opinion the director learned from the mistakes the other found footage films made and learned from them. I was very impressed with the filming. CG was a little iffy. But at times it didn't even feel like it was filmed in that style. The camera is still very shaky so if you get motion sickness easily this is an early warning, you may get dizzy or sick. This movie begins with Andrew (Dane) working his newly purchased camera in his bedroom deciding to film his entire life from there on out. Immediately you see his home life is less than satisfactory, riddled with abuse from a drunk father, and sadness from a dying mother. But soon everything changes when he and two sort of newly discovered friends find something. I honestly can't be accurate to say what it was. To be safe I can claim it was alien, but that's just a safe bet. The sense of realness to this movie is quite staggering. Just for the fact that there are real families like that, kids being bullied by there parents and there peers at school. It may hit close to home for some. Dane DeHaan impressed me greatly. This boy could have a very bright future in the world of acting. Micheal B. Johnson also did well. The acting from all was above par. The story was very well done. I enjoyed this film very much. I would highly recommend this film to anyone who would ask. But your taste may need to favor science fiction or superheros. I give Chronicle a 3 1/2 out of 4. Expect nothing and you shall come out quite full filled. I can fly.

Underworld Awakenings - Does anyone have a book on Lycanthropy?

I'm gonna make this a short review for the simple reason that to me it's not worth seeing in the theaters. This review is on Underworld Awakenings, starring Kate Beckinsale, Kate Beckinsale, and Kate Beckinsale. There are other characters but the main selling point of this movie is that Kate Beckinsale returned to reprise her role. Now don't get me wrong I like Underworld. I really like Kate Beckinsale. But this movie was all action. ALL action, no real story line or plot that I cared about. Which makes me sad. This is m
ore of what vampires and werewolves should be. I have seen other reviews and they give it a seven out of ten, eight out of ten. Well my standards are a little higher, so forgive me. This movie seemed like it was made just to make a buck off the franchise. And if you are doing that then show a little boob or something. Blowing the brains out of Lycans isn't enough for me, if you just want my money and don't actually want to give me a good story. For me there was no real upside to this movie. I even eventually laughed out loud during. The animation is poor,

but I have seen worse. The movie starts off with Beckinsale and her kind being hunted by humans. She gets frozen and the movie starts their, with an objective that is quite elusive. What really pisses me off is that they talk like all this time goes by, like a hundred years. Only twelve years went by ASSHOLES! "There was the first Great Purge, then the Second Purge, then The Cleansing!" SHUT UP! This movie just pissed me off. Forgive the outbursts. I give Underworld Awakenings a 1 out of 4. You know they are going to make more.

The Grey - One mustn't give up until the very end

Hello hello, you haven't heard from me in a while but I don't need to make any apologies. I've been busy. So this review is on The Grey starring Liam Neeson, Dallas Roberts, and Frank Grillo. This movie was directed by Joe Carnahan, who also worked on Smokin' Aces, and the A-Team. Let me start this review by saying that I did go into this movie expecting. What, I'm not to sure, but I was expecting something. Was it delivered? Mostly yes, I did enjoy this movie, it lived up to about ninety five percent of my expectations. The greatest thing this movie has going for it is the tension. You can feel it when the movie starts, then it just gets thicker and thicker. A knife won't cut the tension, you need a damn chainsaw. The tension weighs down on you, you feel like you are there, you feel like you might be next. The making of this movie says that they actually filmed this in negative ten degree weather. There were no pussies on this excursion. I felt cold just watching it. The movie starts with Liam being at the ass end of the world

working as a hunter. He and some men get on an airplane and disaster strikes. If you have seen the trailer then I'm not telling you anything new. Now here comes that five percent I did not like. The secondary characters...I don't want to ruin anything. But when they were no longer needed in the film it was abundantly clear, and they were just written off. I felt robbed of any actual meaning or purpose for them. To me it was just bad writing. But at the same time this movie seems like it could be a true story, and all of that could have happened. Though I doubt it is. And the ending...it's always the ending. It wasn't bad by any means, but I still feel I need some kind of closure. You can stay after the credits and there is a five second clip to add to the ending. It may or may not help you. It didn't help me with any closure, but I'm lucky to be blessed with an imagination and can make up my own ending. It kind of felt like an Inception ending. Oh well. I give The Grey a 3 out of 4.

Breaking Dawn part 1 - Just wants something to sink its teeth into

This review is on Breaking Dawn part 1. The main characters are played by...you know what? If you don't know who these people are by now, then you have done yourself a wonderful service. This film was directed by Bill Condon who also did Dream Girls and Chicago. I don't really know where to begin? I'm at a loss for words, this is so bad it's unbelievable. The music bugged the hell out of me. Oh my god it bugged me! After every bad "dramatic" or "touching" scene there was an even worse song. This is the kind of music that you would hear in an elevator, coffee shop, or some high school asshole has on his ipod. The music was so bad I wanted to splash hot coffee on my face so my screams would drowned out the noise. But how do I judge such a movie? I myself don't believe in love, and this story is revolved around such a thing that can be replicated by large amounts of chocolate. The acting was laughable, much worse than the last movies. Which must be hard to do because they have been playing these roles for about four or five years. The lines were so damn cheesy, I couldn't help but laugh. "There is no measurement of time I could spend with you that could be enough. So lets start with forever." PLEASE! Yuck! I mean talking about cashing in at the right place in the right time. This movie is garbage, the story is garbage. These characters are false and unrealistic, they are only hear to dazzle the ignorant and for the fat to lament. I'm probably being too harsh. But I hated it. Breaking Dawn part 1 gets a 1 out of 4. And unfortunately I will probably see the last one, I saw the other four so why not?

Footloose Sexier than a chicken wearing socks

This review is on Footloose. Starring Kenny Wormwald, Julian Hough, and Dennis Quaid. Footloose was directed by Craig Brewer who also did Black Snake Moan and Hustle & Flow. Bit of a stretch if you ask me. Please allow me to begin this review by saying, Dennis Quaid, really REALLY needs to throw in the towel. I am beginning to hate this man and his awfully substandard acting. STOP! You are almost as bad as your brother. I walked into the theater with a very indifferent feeling about this film. An employee even said there is an exit inside the theater and just outside our theaters entrance if we needed an escape. Wasn't too comforting. I have seen the original film but memory is lacking at the current moment. Fragments remain of Kevin Bacon dancing around. I assumed like most remakes that this was going to be absolutely terrible. The film starts off with a bunch of kids dancing and having a good time. Five of them drive home across a bridge and there is a fatal car accident killing all five kids. Poor driving if you ask me. I mean kissing someone while driving is kind of stupid in the first place. I laughed out loud with some subtlety, but I was the only one, giving me the feeling my sense of humor is a bit twisted. So laws are set in place where dancing in public and playing loud "bad" music is illegal. And the plot is introduced in the first five minutes of the film. My biggest issue in this movie is Julian Hough's character. She annoyed me so much. I have never seen a girl try so hard to be slutty. It was pathetic, and yes that was her character, but who is that desperate to be with someone? Who is that insecure? This is a bit off subject, sort of, but here's a line from Kenny Wormwald that should be of help to the desperate. "Yeah we can roll around. But that sweat on your back is going to dry, and you are still gonna' feel like shit." But I digress. I didn't like her character. The relationships between the main character and his friends were developed rather quickly. But none-the-less I did enjoy them. I didn't mind Kenny's acting, I have witnessed better and worse. The dancing. Oh the dancing, this is what I enjoyed the most. The sequences got me tapping my foot, and the music was stuck in my head. I was even singing the Footloose song before we even went to the movies. After the movie I was dancing for hours, with some liquid courage. And when I woke up the music was still in my head and I was shaking my hips. It is a bit out of character for me but I like where it's going. All in all I liked it. Footloose isn't going to win any best actor/actress awards. But it was a fun film to go to if you don't mind the mediocrity that Dennis Quaid provides. I give Footloose a 2 1/2 out of 4. It would get a three, I really wanted to give it a three but I hate Julian Hough's character. Now if you don't mind I'm going to go and dance some more.