Dark Shadows - To love is to never have to say you're sorry

Dark Shadows...well I got to say I didn't really know what to think when I first saw this movie. Yeah its a film directed by Tim Burton. And so surprise surprise who is to star in it? Yes Johnny Depp along with his sidekick Helena Bonham Carter, seriously these two actors are inseparable. The other characters were played by Michelle Pfeiffer, and Eva Green. If I'm not mistaken I believe there was a T.V. series before this, it aired in 1966. The story is about Barnabas Collins, a man turned into a vampire by jealous witch who cannot obtain his affections. The witch traps Barnabas in a coffin only to be released two hundred years later in 1971. I'm sorry to all those who are Johnny Depp fans, but this guy has a very shallow pool of talent to tap in to. Yeah, he's handsome for his age but that really doesn't mean a thing. I saw a combination of the Demon Barber, and a Sparrow, a mixture of dark and quirky. It wasn't a bad thing and I did find myself laughing. I just expect more from a seasoned actor. This movie was funny...at times, though some of the way I found myself getting bored. The minor twists that come along with the plot arrive way too late. And then it kind of leaves you pondering who really has nothing better to do than to torment others their whole life. But then again that's just me being nit picky again. I know a thing or two about grudges and how deep they can run. Then there is Michelle Pfeiffer, what was the last movie she was in? Anybody? Can anyone honestly remember the last movie this chick was in without looking it up? Well I can't, I didn't even recognize her until I saw her name in the credits. She felt like she was over acting, maybe like she had something to prove. She wasn't very convincing to me. Then there is the little girl from Kick Ass, which they are making a sequel to and I'm freaking excited for it...but I digress. Do they give these kids growth hormones or something? Oh well, the acting was mediocre at best. I want to like this movie because Depp and Burton do make a great team, this I won't deny. But there is too much holding it back for me to completely enjoy it. I give Dark Shadows a 1 1/2 out of 4. Go rent this one guys.

The Avengers - I still believe in heroes

So for a long time I have been waiting for a film based off of a comic book to come and actually feel like a comic book. In a sense. X-Men, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, have all failed to do this. And don't get me wrong, I liked X-Men...sort of, and Spiderman. I absolutely hated Fantastic Four. But The Avengers, I was never a follower of their comics like I was X-Men and Spiderman. But I like to find myself a believer now. The Avengers was five movies in the making. Some serious thought was put into this. And let me tell you it did not disappoint. The Avengers starred Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, and Jeremy Renner. The Director was Joss Whedon who also worked on Toy Story, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Serenity. The Avengers was a fun movie. The chemistry between the cast of characters all meshed quite well. There were even good elements of comedy, both strategically and poorly placed. Hell I even smell a sitcom with Hulk and Thor. But Ironman/Robert Downey Jr., in my eyes stole the show. His humor and wittiness was only matched by his characters genius. Captain America was too soft spoken to be the leader of that group, he wasn't the Cap that I had read about. With Captain America comes the responsibility of being the baddest hero in the Marvel universe. He is the answer to Superman. Chris Evans, I don't believe was able to fill those shoes properly. The story in this movie was decent, the villains weren't very threatening though. This was the only thing that I found to be poor, there was no sense of urgency. A group of titans such as The Avengers would have very little difficulty with weak opponents. And I understand that this was the movie that brings them together so you got to start out small. But still the single greatest threat in the movie came from the good guys. Maybe I'm just being nit-picky. You aren't hopelessly outgunned. But none-the-less this was still a very good movie. I geeked out every second of it. I give The Avengers a 3 1/2 out of 4. If you get a chance stay after both sets of credits. This was by far the best Comic book movie yet. Enjoy everyone, give your eyes a break.       

The Hunger Games - May the odds ever be in your favor

So I have literally been ranting and raving about this series, encouraging everyone I could to read it. I couldn't get enough of the world Suzanne Collins had built. I have lost sleep because of this thing. What encouraged me to read it was the movie preview I had scene a month prior to the release. From the first page I was instantly in love, I finished the first book in two days. That's a record for me. I'm kind of a slow reader. But enough of my praise for the book. The Hunger Games starred Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, and Woody Harrelson. The director was Gary Ross who also worked on Seabiscuit, Pleasentville, and Big. There's some variety here, and by his resume something like the Hunger Games is a new ballpark for him. I went into this movie already have built it up to unreachable heights. But I also wanted to treat it as a separate entity from the book. Everyone pictures the books they read differently in their own way. So I knew the director would never be able to capture my version. But I was certain I had nothing to fear. The story of The Hunger Games is a post apocalyptic world being divided into twelve districts and the Capitol. Every year each district offers one male and one female between the ages of twelve and eighteen to be sent into an arena to fight to the death until there is only one remaining. To entertain the citizens of the Capitol, and to show the districts their place under the Capitol. The story starts in district twelve with Katniss Everdeen. Now the actors they got to portray these rolls couldn't have been more perfect. Each actor fit the bill so nicely I was amazed not only with the performances but with how little if at all I had to force myself to imagine these people as the characters I read about. Not to mention Jennifer Lawrence is gorgeous, but that's neither here nor there. If you have already read the book don't go into the movie comparing the two. The only real issues I had were Lenny Kravitz, this guy sucks. He wasn't bad but I'm sure they could have found better. My other issue was Woody Harrelson, I can't imagine anyone else playing this role, I just wish he were a little more rough around the edges. I loved this movie. I can't recommend it enough. I give The Hunger Games a 3 1/2 out of 4. The book ruined me giving the movie a perfect score. But I don't regret reading it first either. See the movie, read the series. I went to the midnight showing, and now I'm going again. This is my Twilight and I will enjoy every second of this story that has enthralled me so. Now I believe that something new can come into this world, something refreshing, something that isn't regurgitated. Unless you have scene the Japanese film Battle Royale.

John Carter - Is there such a thing as too much?

John Carter, when I first saw you, I truly believed that something new could come into this world. That my eyes would be opened, and I would experience a grand story with new adventures. When I saw you John Carter, I was given hope. Hope that our movie industry wasn't doomed to remakes and regurgitating the same old romantic comedy. Well John Carter, you did and didn't bring anything new to this world. Lucky for you I did some homework. Here is a brief history lesson. John Carter or as titled The Princess of Mars was written by Edgar Rice Burroughs in 1917. Well that's when it was published. It was written in 1911 and titled Under the Moons of Mars and put into a magazine. It only became popular after the success of Tarzan. From then on John Carter made appearances in several other books and comic books. I got my information from Wikipedia so who knows how accurate it is. And besides You aren't here for a lecture you here for the movie. The actors starring in this movie are Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Samantha Morton, and Willem Dafoe. The Director is Andrew Stanton, who also worked on Finding Nemo, Toy Story and basically any Disney Pixar film you come across. Well where do I begin? This film starts off after the Civil War with John Carter, a decorated soldier, avoiding the military in search of gold. Only to have fate send him on a much more grand adventure. But what would define a grand adventure? This story follows the basic D.I.D (damsel in distress) formula. I don't plan on reading the books...all eleven of them. But there is too much story here. From what I got out of the movie this story can expand vastly. And I fear if they choose to continue with it, John Carter will suffer the same fate as The Last Air Bender, Directed by M. Knight Shamalamadipshit. This project is massive. The acting was mediocre to sub par. Lynn Collins was AWFUL! I would rather spend a night trapped in Helen Hunts ass listening to a symphony of bowel movements then see this chick in another movie. The graphics were not the best I have seen. Creatures were very unimaginative, but again this was written in 1911 and how exact it is remains a mystery to me. So to claim I saw a Rancor from Star Wars could be inaccurate and maybe the other way around. Environments were lacking...hell I saw a damn temple that looked like the Millennium Falcon for Christ sake. The story did not catch my attention until the last five minutes. Then it got interesting. I don't believe I can give John Carter a fair score. I put this thing on an unreachable pedestal, my expectations were high. If you call this movie the next Star Wars then you better Fucking wow me. Well I'm sorry to say I don't think it is. Dethroning Star Wars would be an impossible task, even for you John Carter. What I did like about the movie was the Physics. You will understand what I mean when you see it. I give John Carter a 1 1/2 out of 4. Again it's not a fair score and I think I should give it another chance. But don't you dare call it the next Star Wars. If anything Star Wars was the next John Carter if you think about it.

Project X - NO! NO! NO! NO!

This review is on Project X. As you can see I'm less than thrilled. This movie Starred Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper, and Jonathan Daniel Brown. The director was Nima Nourizadeh...WHO? Yeah, never heard of him? Because that's all he did. This movie is about two losers and there loud mouthed, ankle biting friend who can't stop bragging about Brooklyn or where ever he is from. He reminded me of a small dog with a little man complex. But the "story" starts off with Thomas having a birthday party his friends are throwing for him. He supposedly needed it. A game changing party that would make them popular. Well that's pretty much it. I just told you the whole movie. No Plot, no story to care about. Pointless really. There were funny scenes. But the humor was vulgar to the point where the jokes became repetitive and eventually unfunny. Now my biggest problem. I shouldn't complain about naked girls. Being the guy that I am I shouldn't complain. But there are these "actresses" I assume. And they are portraying high school girls. Well they get nude, which again I shouldn't complain. I'm not sure that's even legal. It must be for the simple fact that they are only acting as, and not actually being. But older women are playing high school girls and getting nude. So we are breeding a generation of females that are going to be sluts. And males who are just plain stupid, I'm sure monkeys are smarter than them. And we as a society are okay with this. So I can't really call this a movie review as more of a rant on how worthless high school kids are now these days. This movie is a small portrayal of that. I give Project X a 1/2 out of 4. None of the events in this movie would EVER happen. I saw people walk out of this movie. It isn't worth my time. I'm sure it's not worth yours. Can I get my twelve dollars back?

Project

Star Wars the Phantom Menace - I sense much fear in you

This review is on Star Wars the Phantom Menace. Oh God I'm gonna have a hay day with this. But I will try and keep it short...ish. Starring a young shittier Hayden Christensen (Jake Lloyd), a young Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, and Liam Neeson must have traveled back in time to do this movie because he looks the same. The director is the one and only George Lucas one of the Godfathers of Sci Fi. He also did...well he did...there was Star Wars...and...Indian Jones! I also think he did Willow. But I'm not sure. I will start this thing off by saying I love Star Wars. The universe is amazing and my hats off to Lucas for creating something that will go on long after he is dead. First thing first, The Phantom Menace? That title sucks! When I first saw the movie I didn't fully grasp it. What did it mean? The Sith? How about Return of the Sith? Take it and end the series with Return of the Jedi? I know my title isn't the best or more clever but come on! You are paid millions of dollars for your brilliant creative mind. I don't need to go into detail about how it starts, odds are you have seen this movie. And if not? Well I shall turn you to the Dark Side soon enough. CG was created in 1999, enough said. My biggest complaint about the CG is that the end battle was placed on a green hilly landscape with absolutely no detail to it. This was very annoying and drew my attention from the battle. And this was difficult because no one enjoys the slaughter of Gungans more than I. Speaking of Gungans we all know about Jar Jar Binks. No he wasn't edited out...despite the countless signatures I have given to protesters. This character is insufferable and with much delight I will not have to endure but a line or two in the next movie. The other character I could not stand was Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd).

This kid sucked the life out of me with every line he spoke, leaving me begging for a bullet to my head. I was literally embarrassed to hear this kids lines. How forced they were, it was disgusting. This kid grows up to be Darth Vader? The most powerful Jedi and Sith? This kid did not do justice the respect Darth Vader commanded from everyone else. Jake Lloyd, from the bottom of my heart Fuck You. Now onto the plot. There is a blockade around Naboo and your people are starving? It's a planet with self sustaining life on it. Hunt these creatures, eat them. Take those lasers blast the shit out of the wildlife and feed your people. You are not starving. Try living on Tatooine and run a moisture farm then give me something to really bitch about. How about Hoth? That planet is all ice. The people of Naboo, you are fine. The only thing you have to worry about is a droid army and a small retarded child was able to stop that so again...you are fine. Now the redeeming factors in this movie. Well, the only two things I can think of are Darth Maul played by Ray Park. And the simple fact that it's Star Wars. Hell Darth Maul is on the new posters promoting the re release of this movie. Now the main drive of the film is the 3D. This is the main selling point. Well Lucasfilm, Industrial Light and Magic, did you do your jobs and make this worth it? No, the 3D was garbage. It looked the same with and without my glasses. Spectacular 3D my ASS! My friends, the only reason why I would urge you to go to this film is to celebrate the fact that it is Star Wars. That is the only reason why I went. I love Star Wars and I am willing to support something I love. So if you are a fan like I am go and just have fun, ignore all the bad that outweigh the good. I give Star Wars The Phantom Menace a 1 1/2 out of 4. The half is for the fact that I love Star Wars. I will be at the other five movies. Hopefully in costume and at midnight showings, hopefully all of my friends and loved ones will be there with me nerding it up.