Priest- Another one bites the dust.

This review is on the film Priest. Starring Paul Bettany (Legion), Karl Urban (Lord of the Rings), and Cam Gigandet (Twilight). Just in case you didn't know who they were. Karl Urban is a little more well known in recent movies than the others. This Science fiction/post apocalyptic/vampire/western as it was classified was directed by Scott Charles Stewart whom has worked on quite a few films but not sure if he has directed any of them. This is another rendition of a comic book, which have become very popular this spring/summer. Priest starts off with a family in a house out in the middle of nowhere. The father hears a noise and looks outside and to his surprise its a horde of vampires coming to ruin their evening. Well to make a short story even shorter they took the daughter and killed the parents. The Priest is told of these deeds and heads off after them breaking his coven to save the girl. That's basically the entire movie. No character depth, no real dialog what so ever, no effort. This was a very lazy and poorly done movie. I thought my story had issues jumping from event to event, but DAMN. Here's the movie. Something happens, ride on motorcycles, fight, repeat. They go somewhere say a line or two then ride off and fight. This was so ridiculous I couldn't help but laugh. And to top it all off it was only an hour or so long. It felt like the movie ended when we sat down to start watching it. I don't need to mention how worthless the 3D was, it always is. There were some good ideas they didn't bother playing off of. For example how the world was forcibly ran by the church and to go against them was basically treason. I liked the vampires and how they evolved to not have eyes. They mentioned in the movie that the eyes were the windows to the soul and vampires were soulless creatures. The war prior to the movie they didn't bother doing anything with and seemed far more interesting. I liked the idea of the hives for the vampires which were huge mountains and inside were these catacombs and it basically looked like a giant beehive. They didn't even bother giving the queen vampire more than a few seconds of recognition. There were some interesting elements to this movie but was not used to its full capability. It felt like eating an unglazed, and unfilled jelly doughnut that had been sitting out all day in the sun. very unsatisfied. I give Priest a 1 out of 4. If you decide to see this movie anyways ask if you can pay half price because of how short it is.

Thor I want to walk across the rainbow bridge

This review kicking off my summer of bad ass movies is Thor Starring Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, and Tom Hiddleston. This comic book movie was directed by Kenneth Branagh also known for Mary Shelly's Frankenstein, Hamlet, and Operation Valkyrie. So this movie seems to be quite a stretch from his comfort zone. Thor is about the Thunder god whom is supposed to ascend to be king of Asgard. In growing up he becomes arrogant, spoiled, and battle hungry. He was contending for the thrown with his brother Loki but naturally Thor is selected to succeed Odin. So the Frost giants, one of the antagonists of this film find a way to break into Asgard's vault to steal back an artifact of theirs. When this happens Thor goes berserk for action. Him and his friends go to the Frost giants realm and wreck havoc on the population. When they become trapped on the planet and all hope seems lost Odin saves them and Thor is banished to Earth losing his powers for his recklessness and starting a war. Now here is where I have complaints. Thor was a complete dick in his home land. When he gets to Earth that all goes away and becomes a giant teddy bear. So to speak. No growth in character what so ever. In Asgard he's a dick. On Earth, he's immediately nice. Why wouldn't he be arrogant on Earth? Is it manners that keeps him in check? Or the fact that he is among lesser beings and feels he needs to set an example? In any case he changed too dramatically at such a rapid rate and had very little time to do it in. The movie was long enough but there was so much action that there was not enough time for character development. At the end of the movie the characters left pretty much the same way the came. But the visuals were great in some places, others felt a little dated. The story was good and consistent. And the action will keep your attention. Thor is entertaining. It won't take you on a deep emotional roller coaster or make you think. It's just their saying hey look at me I'm pretty to watch. I would recommend this movie to anyone who likes action and or is a fan of Marvel and this giant Avengers collaboration. I give Thor 3 out of 4. It's all leading up to The Avengers. Years of planning and movie making. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

Dylan Dog You hit like a vampire

This review is on Dylan Dog starring Brandon Routhe, Anita Briem, and Sam Huntington. Wait who? O.o and Kevin Munroe who also did the newest Teenage mutant ninja turtles. Apparently the director has a thing for rehashing comic books into movies. Well mister director you better leave X-men, Spiderman, or any other marvel superhero movie alone. Even though ninety percent of those movies were crap as well. My childhood is going in the shitter. Oh well this supernatural mystery movie starts with Dylan in his office narrating that he gave up his old life as the line that divided humans from the undead. He kept the peace between all of the species of undead. And when I say all the species I mean all three of them. Sorry I want more. They kept true to the old rules of the zombies, werewolves, and vampires which I appreciated. I also wanted mummies maybe a variation of Frankenstien. But anyways he is now a private eye spying on people and making money off of their misfortune. Then the one case he should have avoided came along where a man was murdered by a werewolf. Then a small sequence of murders makes Dylan change his mind about his carrier choice and immediately becomes the line that divides once more. Come on! It took ten minutes for this character to grow and change. It is suppose to happen through out the span of the movie. And in a sense it did but it was something so minor that had little or nothing to do with the story. Dylan Dog has very little going for it. The acting is stagnant and monotone. The sidekick was funny at first and I liked him but it quickly got annoying. The love interest/daughter of the dead guy killed by the werewolf had little or no character development. In fact love interest? How did they even have time to develop any kind of relationship at all? They always brought her along in the car then had the sidekick take her back to the office because it was to dangerous. Why bring her along at all? And plot holes, plot holes, plot holes. One for example. When Dylan retired from his position why didn't anyone take his place. It seems like an important job. Better yet why was there only one keeper of the peace. The movie does state that the monsters all live in New Orleans but come on its a big world. I give Dylan Dog a 2 out of 4. It wasn't bad but it wasn't cheesy good either.

Scream 4 Better never than late

This review is on Scream 4 with Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox, and David Arquette. This "horror" movie was directed by Wes Craven whom was supposedly one of these masters of horror. But as of late not so much. Wes Craven is one of those directors that has films that are either hit or miss. And most of the time he is striking out having very few home runs. And Scream is one of those franchises that had an alright first movie for a Wes Craven picture. But then the next two sequels were a bunch of garbage. Only there to cash in on the name Scream. But now we come to the fourth installment. And I have to be honest I laughed every time I saw the preview and shook my head in disappointment. Really? Scream 4? You have nothing better to do? Oh well the three stars needed to get work some how. The movie starts off making fun of itself by seeing the beginnings of the movies Stab 6 and Stab 7. Which are the films made within the movie. They make fun of the movie by saying how needlessly a franchise spawns sequels to make money. And then after introducing the two opening characters they die right on cue after a phone call from some person who can't handle the stress of modern life. Neve Campbell shows up in her home town where the recent murder takes place which so happens to be the anniversary of her tragic stories. Now she's a suspect and has to stay in town. Blah blah blah. Most of the people who die had no real reason to die. I know its a slasher movie but come on have some kind of direction. And some of the scenes where they die took forever to actually play out. The victims didn't even die creatively. The dialog was terrible though I could not help myself but laugh. The lines they tried to say seriously was hilarious. And this is where I get confused. Was Wes Craven actually a genius in making fun of his film on purpose? If so I would have to applaud him. But in some scenes the movie showed it was taking itself too seriously. So I can't really decide which direction Wes was taking the movie. So I can only give the movie a 1 out of 4. We were the only people in the theater. Some fan base. Hey everybody who all wants to see Scream 4? Get the fuck out of here.

Your Highness "It's my birthday today." "Fuck that."

This review is on Your Highness starring Danny McBride, James Franco, and Natalie Portman. This Fantasy/comedy was directed by David Gordon Green who I have not heard of. There was a lot of hype for this movie for being a medieval comedy. The idea is strange but unique none the less. G4 hyped this movie as well as the amount of advertisements I had seen. Well sadly for me it did not live up to the hype. Don't get me wrong it was funny. Just not as funny as I heard it to be. And seeing Natalie Portman's ass didn't make up for it either. I'm going to take a brief moment and say that this woman has been in almost every movie that has come out what the hell is up with that? All I have been seeing is Natalie Portman this and Natalie Portman that. Have some freakin variety people. She's an accomplished actress, I have every ounce of faith in her to deliver a performance but for god sakes show some boob. Now that I got that off my chest HA! get it? -.- your probably not laughing. Oh well back to the review. The movie starts off with Franco returning triumphant from a quest slaying a mighty cyclops and bringing home a bride played by Zooye Deschanel. Well as mighty as Franco says while carrying the creatures severed head. Being greeted with open arms by the rest of the kingdom in the back stood a jealous McBride. McBrides character is useless and funny with his snidely comments toward his brother. Well more skipping and Franco's wife is kidnapped by Leezar. The brief fight scene was surprisingly cool and funny. Not to get too carried away with the plot but that's pretty much it. A reluctant McBride and an eager high spirited Franco head off on a new quest to save his bride. The fight scenes and the special effects were very well done for a comedy, and I was astonished to see some of the creative magic used. Though this is called a stoner flick and advertised to aim at such an audience it only felt that way during the first thirty or forty minutes of the movie. The language was vulgar which I loved. The humor was very inappropriate which I also loved. The Jokes were very funny but they were hit and miss. And the hits were few and far between for me. The nudity was great, even the minotaur cock had me laughing. Which reminds me. I saw an interview with Danny McBride. Between the writers and director there was an argument on the size of the creatures penis. I guess minotaurs aren't as hung as they were fighting for it to be. I give Your Highness a 2 1/2 out of 4. It was funny but not funny enough for the hype it was given.

Paul, Three tits? Nice.

This review is on Paul starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Seth Rogen. This sci fi/comedy/adventure was directed by Greg Mottola. Going to this movie I had very little expectations for it. Then I thought to myself hey the guys from Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz are in it. So it can't be that bad. Well I was in for a shocker, it wasn't bad. Not at all actually some of the scenes were quite funny. And gave me the most insane urge to go to Comic Con, (sigh) a guy can dream. Any who this film starts off with to science fiction geeks from across the pond heading to Comic con on a road trip. After the convention they leave on their trusty RV down to Area 51. Making the tedious stops at the points of "interest" along the way. When they finally run into Paul the laughs really start. I don't want to give anything away but the personality and habits from this alien are hilarious. Seth did a good job making him charismatic but at the same time repugnant. Mia Stallard shows up a little late in the movie. But her role was probably the most difficult to act out but she pulled it off beautifully. She pissed me off, frustrated me, then had me laughing pleading for more. I will be honest these two British guys are on a completely different level of swearing than us. Just some of the potty mouth humor they had got me laughing so hard I had to cover my mouth to muffle the sounds. The laughs though do not really excuse some of the scenes they put in there just to make the movie longer that weren't needed. Other than the redundant the movie was surprisingly good. I give Paul a 3 out of 4. I like potty humor.

Insidious Only an evil eternal may run so deep

This review is on Insidious starring Patrick Wilson, and Rose Byrne. This horror film was directed by James Wan Whom I personally have never heard of. But in the research I did on this film the director wasn't going for a typical monster movie. He genuinely wanted to scare people with suspense and jump scenes mostly. In a sense that's what every horror movie is meant to do, scare you and make you want to sleep with the lights on. Well I think Wan may have been a little more serious about his motives than other directors. Or at least in the beginning. The movie starts off with a happy family moving into their new home when slightly strange things happen. Simple things that can be blamed on small children. You know when stuff is found on the ground and they say their imaginary friend did it. But being the adult you are you know better. HA! Well lets skip ahead a little and the boy goes into a coma one morning. Then things really start to turn south and the job they did with the horror wasn't bad at this point. I was scared I will admit. As I glanced at the screen showing a woman looking through the window of her house at an unfamiliar boy dancing to a vinyl record playing wearing 30's cloths. It was disturbing, in my mind I begged the screen not to go to the next scene but at the same time I had to know what was going to happen. When we reached the point of the story where help had arrived and the cause of the boys coma was revealed it got stupid. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I wanted to shout. And the way to bring him back was even dumber. There was a major flaw in the making of this film. A flaw that only a few directors manage to dodge. Do not show what is scaring your audience. If you cannot put a face on your fear it makes it that much more terrifying. The first half was good, the second half was a fucking joke. Rent it at the redbox. I give Insidious a 2 out of 4. Just remember. Tip toe, through the window, by the window, that's where I'll be. This scene right here scared the crap out of me. Left goosebumps on my arms.